I have a weird on and off relationship with dota. I play it for days at a time, eventually get obsessed and can't think of anything else and then get horrified at myself and delete it. Sometimes, I feel empty even after winning especially if it is a one-hour snoozefest. It just feels like the purpose of me playing dota should be that I want to have fun(personal beliefs). The competitiveness of the game even in unranked(the mode I play) makes it fun. But the fact is, the game is not fun ALL the time. It is excruciatingly terrible in some cases but also extremely fun and rewarding in the other cases. The thing is, playing DotA puts me on autopilot. There are so many things to do that I end up doing lots of things without really understanding why. You can't do this as you play the game(you can't be questioning yourself "Why do people kill Roshan? Why do people buy wards? Why exactly do I have to last hit creeps? Why is so much of this game so arbitrary and weird? ?" AS you are playing it as the game is too fast-paced. The thing is much of the advice and tips you learn from other people are so that your actions and decisions should make you win the game as efficiently and methodically as possible. The next question is quite subjective and is asking do you REALLY want to win the game that much? Can you derive pleasure from the robotic and methodical nature that is required from you to play the game in the most effective manner possible? For me, the answer is quite often a NO. I often know I am making bad decisions as I cannot justify to myself if making the better decisions is even worth it(maybe that is why I don't play ranked apart from long queue times). I WANT to extend the game and go for kills instead of objectives. I WANT to choose to be afk farm wraith king in the hopes that I can blink into fights and destroy everyone 20 minutes later. The thing is, does dota accommodate for this type of ideology? Should I exist in the DoTA community if I don't always want to get good at the bitter cost of my humanity and sense of self?