Discussion in 'Fan Fiction & Literature' started by Eli_Green, Apr 2, 2017.
any ad all feedback is appreciated m8
Well too bad because I didn't read any of it.
Hey, hey, hey! He also makes hero suggestions sometimes.
The writing isn't that good, but I am pleasantly surprised to learn that Eli can write more than an obtuse one-liner.
What did you like/not like then?
Can't improve without more elaborate criticism.
Never start with a direct reference to the setting, instead try to start with a painting-like intro; a shroud of darkness obscures the horizon. Amidst the silent landscape, shards of moonlight spotlight the lush grass, ridden with the drops of the early morn. Allegra is silent, yet its etc...
This adds to the writers attempt of immersion instead of being put-off by the idea of being introduced into an alien setting.
Try to be more subtle with your descriptions. I.e. bring your own flavor into the mix to eliminate any trace of the cliched. For example: instead of bluntly describing the sky, you can incorporate a mirroring effect that could be utilized to further add to the uniqueness and potential for background manipulation concerning your descriptive skills; lets add a lake to the mix: its color vacant, yet the sky it reflected. Its once vibrant color had been reduced to a mere reflection of the heavens above. The near moon stood dormant amidst the colorful night sky, yet through the lake's canvas it shone as well. Only in the (quality) planet of Albora does the moon lend its image to more than one etc....
^Same as above.
The problem (if I can use this term, more like the neglected part) about your style is that you suppress your own. You focus on the image in your mind, but forget that not everyone shares it, therefore suppressing your attempts at garnering the attention of your reader.
Writers usually get recognized over the successful incorporation of their own art/style/voice/descriptions etc... It is what makes them special.
I solved this problem early on during my early years through reading the works of critically recognized writers (regardless of the content, whilst focusing on their delivery) then imitating what they do until bastardization is in full. I.e. I finally got my own style:
"Its silhouette dominated the landscape. Its presence had engulfed the entirety of the abandoned farmlands ever since it first stood at the very top of the summit. Atop the primary spire, beneath the sundered heavens, where the air is thin, and the breeze is cool, the Abrahamsens observed from below as the bronze clad giant stood watch from above."
"The villages flourished, their orchards bore plenty, and their breweries operated day and night. The finest wines came from here. The locals did deal in other items as well, but as all practitioners of the trade know, there is always that one item that stood out from the mundane and raked in the livelihood. To the locals, that source of livelihood was their terroir; the land itself is a miracle, its contents, atmosphere, and natural treasures - along with the experience of its brewers – produced a wine that was seldom revered as a work of magical practice."
Notice how I always sneak in background information whilst describing the scenery; abandoned farmlands, primary spire, Abrahamsens observing, the whole wine deal etc...
People want to be engaged when they're reading; why are the farmlands abandoned? Why is there a giant? What makes this wine so special? Details, details, details (but not too much). Your paragraphs show a very colorful imagination, and an attempt at picturing a scenery. The only problem is how you deliver it. After reading through you can only go through the picture's outer layer: colorful skies, weird city, more colors.
To put things bluntly: 1) Outer layer = okay but why is this interesting?. 2) Inner layer = rly makes me think...
An example I'd like to pinpoint concerning this topic, is a multitude of scenes in the Sopranos concerning Tony talking about a particular painting whenever he lays eyes on it, and seeing things in it that only he sees. Not only is this side point not relevant to the main story, but it seems irrelevant to the plot as a whole. But as the painting shows up in scene after scene, you can clearly see that the writer is utilizing something as simple as this to not only reflect Tony's way of thought, but to project his complexes as well (through the peculiar things he gets out of the painting).
The most important thing about all of this though, is to remember that there is no such thing as objective criticism when it comes to this practice. So if you feel that certain traits are yours to utilize/evolve, keep them. If someone tells you that's meh then look at it from their perspective and try to un-meh it until its "but why?". And if anyone shits on your work, just ignore them and try to pinpoint why they shat on you in the first place.
Spoiler: chapter 9
Half an hour later, Alvens had called for the end of his segment of the practice session, stating that Lufkal was in at least acceptable form. And though part of Lufkal wanted to continue to practice on the known layout of the training circuit, doing so would not help much given that the actual race layout was still unknown. Besides, spending more time on the X-2 and getting familiar with how it reacted to all the situations Alvens' program hadn't covered would be vital to how competitive he could be during the race.
So far, Lufkal had spent the beginning of the second segment of practice cruising along with the late-night traffic, taking in the surroundings as he flew alongside the luxurious vortexes that filled Allegra’s airways. His eyes bounced from tower to tower as he continued his flight, looking for structures within the city’s core that stood out from their artistically shaped peers enough to be considered a landmark. A task that was proving to be much harder than he had anticipated given the uniqueness of each of the buildings he had seen.
Multiple pillars of glass, twisting and arching in distinct elegant poses, surrounded him no matter which way he turned. Their spotless surfaces scattering the playful lights from the distant streets into mesmerizing patterns and overwhelming the vivid colours of the equally artistic smaller structures that were nestled amongst them. And yet none that he had spotted so far had truly been distinguishable from the rest. That was, until a piercing white light flashed across his gaze.
Lufkal quickly checked the direction of the overwhelming brightness to ensure he hadn't been imagining things. Sure enough, he spotted it. A powerful, pure white glare that cut through the myriad of colours as if they simply did not exist.
Veering through the airways towards the brilliant light soon revealed its source – a looming angular structure, flat-faced, tipped with a single sky-piercing point, and nothing like any other structure he had come across. The solid mass of white was devoid of visible windows, and upon further inspection he noticed a thin gold and black bar that decorated each of the structure’s crisp edges.
"That's the NCE Embassy." His sister's sharp voice said through his prism as he circled the gleaming column, answering the question that had been at the forefront of his thoughts.
"I doubt the race will pass here." Astraka stated as he began another pass, this time casting his gaze at the ground and the buildings that surrounded it.
"What makes you say that?" He replied with genuine curiosity. From what he could see, the shorter buildings that bordered the embassy and the looping tunnels that bound them formed complex channels that could make for interesting racing.
"Because the local security forces are based within the surrounding buildings and their hangars exit directly to the streets below you." She said matter-of-factly.
Astraka’s answer left him feeling slightly frustrated that his spotting efforts had not identified any likely areas the race would pass through. At least he had learned an area to avoid, or more likely the direction any law enforcement vehicles would come from. With one final glance at the embassy, Lufkal snapped the X-2 from its orbit around the shimmering obelisk and shot off to the western side of the city.
It did not take long for him to cover the west side of the bay. Which despite the numerous eruptions of dancing lights from below, yielded nothing worth considering a landmark. Accepting the fact that the only easily identifiable buildings in the city were the resort buildings that lined the waterfront, the residential spires that stood behind the downtown core, and the NCE embassy, Lufkal abandoned his search. He made an effort to dismiss the failure as quickly as possible, as there was still time to practice and he would need a clear head to try and find the limits of what he could do. A task that greatly benefited from being on the opposite side of the city from those responsible for upholding the law.
He continued to follow the airways in a western direction until he had reached some relatively clear air. Confident that his surroundings were free of the downtown traffic, he raced out of the what his visor displayed as the legally usable airspace, tearing through the air above the thinning and increasingly less vibrant infrastructure that blurred beneath him.
Not bound to a strict program or regime, Lufkal was quick to begin to push both himself and the X-2. He began to string together a series of dizzying rolls and vicious spins, leading the X-2 in a hectic aerial dance to the tune of its screaming drive core. Each step of the dance raising his confidence in his own abilities and in those of his machine.
A familiar sense of synchronization was growing in step with his confidence. The X-2 no longer felt like a separate entity, but instead like a physical extension of himself. He could feel even the smallest of forces acting on the X-2, allowing him to refine his reactions, which the X-2 complied with as soon as the thoughts entered his mind.
"Start making your way back, I still want to have an inspection done tonight." Astraka suddenly announced through his prism as he flew out of another sequence of breakneck rolls.
"Okay, just have a one more thing to test." He replied, his voice full of adrenaline fuelled excitement that matched the furious pitch of the drive core.
"Don't keep everyone waiting, Lufkal." She commanded in response, her exasperation transmitting clearly over the cacophony of the rushing air and the screaming engine.
"I won't." Lufkal answered, grinning wildly from ear to ear.
Astraka's drawn out sigh was only barely audible as he opened the throttle and shot off towards the ring of dark mountains that crowned the bay.
He did in fact have one last thing to test – the one thing he had yet to do in either portion of the practice segments. With the threat of arrest or the impounding of the X-2 before the race started preventing him from going too fast inside the city limits, he wanted to use the relative safety of his current location to unleash the X-2’s full power. A sure-fire way to gauge if his body, mind, and the machine that he was bound to were truly ready to go to the extremes they would be subjected to in a race.
The constant barrage of auditory stimuli reached deafening levels as he tore through the air in a straight line with a massive burst of speed. Lufkal could feel his vision begin to cloud at the fringes as he flew faster, shrinking his field of vision to dangerously low levels and blurring the dark forest and silhouettes beneath him with the billowing shadows of the clouds above.
What excitement he had felt before he had launched his final test had quickly dissipated. There was no room for wasted energy as he directed all the will he could muster towards fighting against his instincts and to keep pushing.
Without realizing it he had gone well above his own limit. And though the X-2 still seemed to want to go further, Lufkal was on the verge of blacking out. Suddenly, while in the midst of conceding to himself that he was still short of where he needed to be, a red light flared on the X-2's display.
A cold dread threatened to seize his crucial focus as the fiery illumination filled his drastically reduced vision. And in that instant, his confidence disappeared, leaving him in a panic and struggling to maintain control of both himself and a zephyr that was rocketing above the mountaintops.
The situation grew worse still as an outburst of fury erupted through his prism.
"Lufkal, what do you think you are doing!" Astraka shrieked, her voice shaking with anger. "You're seconds away from a drive core meltdown! Do you..." Astraka's screaming cut off mid-sentence, replaced by the voice of a concerned, but otherwise calm sounding Alvens.
"You will have to deal with your sister and the team when you return." Alvens stated clearly, an undertone of disappointment present in his voice. "But first you must make it back in one piece.”
“Now, do exactly as I say."
Separate names with a comma.